Desolation : Book One Of The Lost & Found Series
by ShadowAkiyah
Summary: Buffy's death hits Spike hard. With no-one left for him in Sunnydale, where will he go? (Crossover with AtS) Please R&R WIPHiatus
1. Disclaimer

TITLE: Desolation - Book One Of The Lost And Found Series  
  
AUTHOR: Esme  
  
EMAIL: akiyah2000@yahoo.co.uk  
  
FEEDBACK: Yes please. I need it, like I need chocolate!  
  
DISTRIBUTION: Shadows & Dust: www.shadows-and-dust.co.uk. Fanfiction.net. Shippers United. Anyone else, just ask.  
  
PAIRING: Spike/Fred (well, eventually anyway!)  
  
SUMMARY: Buffy's death hits Spike hard. With no-one left for him in Sunnydale, where will he go?  
  
WARNINGS: Depressive tendency.  
  
SPOILERS: The Gift. Everything else from there on is AU  
  
RATING: PG-13 to R  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox, WB, UPN and their associates. 


	2. Chapter 1 : Broken

Chapter One: Broken  
  
Spike sat amidst the rubble as she jumped from the tower. Her eyes were closed, anyone's would be. He had failed her. He had failed to protect Dawn, and Buffy had done the only thing she could. She sacrificed herself to save her sister, and the world. A world that included him. She had saved him. But he was still a failure. She was dead.  
  
The walk back to the Magic Box that evening was a slow one: the mood, sombre. Giles carried the broken body of the Slayer back to the Magic Box, where he laid her atop the table they had researched on so many times, including that day. The watcher's eyes were downcast as he placed his coat over her limp body, not quite bringing himself to cover her face. Not quite able to believe that what was happening was real, that the body of his Slayer; his daughter was in front of his eyes, still and calm, and without life. He had loved her.  
  
Giles glanced around the room, seeing the bruised and saddened 'Slayerettes', as the had been known as, and his heart dropped. They had fought bravely, each one of them, and now she was gone. Their friend, their protector. Protector. Who would protect them now? Giles was certain that there would be no new slayer. He had lost his charge, and inevitably, his job. He looked again at what was his family. Anya was curled in Xander's arms, Willow in Tara's, and Dawn was in Spike's. Spike's arms. The arms of a monster. A monster who didn't belong anywhere, especially not in his family.  
  
"I still can't believe that she's. that she's." Willow sobbed.  
  
"Why is he here?" Xander asked, staring icily at the vampire.  
  
"Xander, honey, I don't think this is the time for.."  
  
"I don't care Aan, *he* shouldn't be here. He should never have been here. He's a monster, he doesn't belong here."  
  
"Xander."  
  
"No Giles. *He* shouldn't be here!"  
  
"I was actually going to agree with you Xander, I think it's rather inappropriate for him to be here myself." He turned to Spike, who was still cradling Dawn in his arms and whispering to her. "Get out Spike."  
  
The vampire looked up at Giles, the pain he was going through displayed plainly on his face. He looked as if he was going to question what Giles had said, when Dawn spoke.  
  
"W.why do you want him to go? He's. he's not going to do anything. He. he hasn't done anything! Spike's done nothing wrong!"  
  
"He's a monster Dawnie. They're right, he shouldn't be here. If it wasn't for his."  
  
"Willow! How can you say that? And if it wasn't for his what?" Dawn asked.  
  
"His failure. His failure to protect you." Stated Giles.  
  
"Did no-one see him? At least he tried. no-one, no-one."  
  
"Sssh Bit, s'ok" whispered Spike. "I'll go. I'm not wanted here. Not by anybody but you, and they're all here for you now. They'll take care of you."  
  
"But Spike, I don't want you to."  
  
"I know Nibblet, but I'll be no good to you as a pile of dust will I? Best to just leave and let them take care of you. You know where I'll be."  
  
Dawn moved out of Spike's arms and ran into the training room, with Giles following immediately. Spike stood and looked into the faces staring at him. Willow was looking at him with loathing, Xander with pure hatred; nothing new there, except that this was hatred in it's purest form. Tara and Anya were looking at him with a type of sympathy. He didn't need their pity. He moved towards the exit, stopping cold as he reached the table where she lay.  
  
He stood before the table and looked down. She looked so peaceful, like she did when she was sleeping. So calm, so still. He reached his hand out and tentatively ran it across her cheek. She was cold, so cold. Words flooded his memory.  
  
//I know you'll never love me. I know I'm a monster.but you treat me like a man.//  
  
Tears welled in his eyes as the realisation that he would never see her again sank in. As he realised that his failure was terminal. That there was no way he could save her now. That the woman he loved was gone. That Buffy was dead. He flew out of the Magic Box and his entire body numbed as he let his feet walk him to his destination.  
  
---  
  
Spike's feet took him to Willy's where he ordered a bottle of Jack and sat down in a booth as far away from the rest of the demon population as was possible. He wanted to be alone. But he wasn't. Thoughts of Buffy consumed him.  
  
//What happens on Saturday?//  
  
// I kill you//  
  
Their first conversation. God, he loved how she moved, even then she was a prime fighter. Not at all what he was expecting. How he had wanted her. Even then. Not just to kill, but. God they could have been so good together. both killers, both amazing lovers, or at least according to what he had heard while she was with Captain Cardboard.  
  
//I never really liked you anyway.and you have. stupid hair//  
  
All that muttering as a result of a dream; and what a dream it was. Her loving him. Her lips on his. Passion. Want. Need. Love. What a dream.  
  
//What you did for Dawn and me, that was real//  
  
And that kiss, so soft, so gentle. Not the way you kiss a monster. Her lips, so full, her skin, so warm.  
  
//Oh, pouty! Look at that lip. gonna get it.gonna get it.//  
  
Laughing out loud, Spike remembered the time they were going to get married. Of course, it had been a spell, it usually was, but they were so happy. So happy. And now she was gone.  
  
// I'm counting on you ... to protect her//  
  
//Till the end of the world//  
  
He'd failed  
  
//I know you'll never love me//  
  
Without realising it, tears began flowing freely down Spike's face. Images of her falling from the tower invaded his thoughts. The words 'I failed her, I failed Dawn, I failed, I failed' echoed in his ears, repeated like a mantra, so loud it was as if he was speaking aloud. He didn't realise that he was. He didn't realise that there was a very large, very annoyed demon standing at his table until it was too late.  
  
The demon picked him up and threw him across the bar. Spike landed with a heavy thud, a few ribs breaking as he landed. The vampire was too caught up in his grief to take any notice of what was happening. He had every intention of taking a walk in the sun anyway. What did it matter how he dusted? Another throw and he was through the doors of Willy's bar and in the gutter.  
  
//You're beneath me//  
  
The tears still flowing, he repeated his mantra.  
  
"I failed, I failed, couldn't save you, couldn't protect her, I failed, I failed." The demon kicked him in the chest. "I failed, I failed, let me die, let me die." Kick to the face. "I'm sorry, so sorry, couldn't keep my promise to you." Kick to the face. Blood splattered on the sidewalk.  
  
//You're beneath me//  
  
"I'm so sorry, sorry, sorry , sorry"  
  
"You're pathetic, that's what you are. A pathetic excuse for a demon. But you're not even that anymore."  
  
The deep voice startled Spike out of his thoughts. He looked up, his tear- stained face showing his pain.  
  
"You don't belong here Spike."  
  
Where did he belong now? Who would have him? He was worthless, he had failed.  
  
"Begging to die. Apologising. Pathetic. Leave town Spike. I mean it. I'm not gonna kill you, rather leave you to rot in the gutter, but not in this town. Leave, or I'll come for you."  
  
Spike's gaze dropped to the floor. His tears began flowing again. He felt like he didn't belong anywhere. the demon was right, he needed to leave. Nobody wanted him. Waiting until his attacker had gone back into the bar, he picked himself up, taking unnecessary breath. For the second time that night his body numbed. For the second time, his feet guided him. This time, they guided him home.  
  
---  
  
When Dawn finally managed to get some time alone, away from Giles, the first thing she did was sneak out of the back door of the magic shop and go to find Spike. He had been badly hurt from falling off the tower. She needed to see him. He made her feel safe. Everyone was crying and too caught up in grief over her sisters' death, that they seemed almost withdrawn. Dawn's fear so long ago that she wasn't a real person had just come true. She was invisible to them. To the people who had made her only comfort feel unwanted. Feel as if he didn't belong. She headed to Spike's crypt. It was the only place he could possibly be. When she got there, the vampire was nowhere to be seen. She waited.  
  
---  
  
Spike stumbled into his crypt, unaware that he had a visitor. He slammed the heavy door shut and feel to the floor. The tears were still falling, he had blood all over his face and he was still chanting. A warm hand on his shoulder startled him out of his reverie.  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
The hand pressed harder. "It's me Spike."  
  
The vampire let out a large sigh. "Dawn? What are you doing here? You should."  
  
//They made the key into a sister//  
  
"I thought you were." he trailed off.  
  
"I know. I came to see how you were. You look like shit."  
  
"Well,"  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Got beat up. nothing new there. Don't belong. nothing new there either."  
  
"You do Spike. You belong. I want you here, it's just, the others, they're."  
  
"I know. I'm a monster. I failed." He sobbed. "I'm so sorry Bit, I. I."  
  
She moved further towards him and put her arms around his front, pressing herself into his back. He could feel her broken heart beating; feel her warmth surrounding him.  
  
"I have to leave Nibblet."  
  
"But.I don't want you to go. You made a promise, you said you'd look after me, said you'd be here. Please Spike." Dawn was crying now. "Don't go, I don't know what I'll do if you."  
  
With one swift move, the vampire pulled her into his lap, cradling her into his chest. Her warm tears soaked through his shirt, and her sobs rang in his ears. The pair sat for a few moments, the sobs forming conversation in the darkened crypt.  
  
Dawn broke the silence.  
  
"Where are you going to go?"  
  
"I don't know. I'll find somewhere."  
  
"How will I find you?"  
  
"I'll find you Nibblet."  
  
"But."  
  
"No buts now, you need to get back, it's nearly dawn, you should be safe, they're probably out searching for you."  
  
"Doubt it."  
  
"They love you."  
  
"They love her."  
  
"And they love you Dawn. They're just grieving, like you are. They need you, and you need them."  
  
"And you? I need you too Spike."  
  
"I'll always be there for you. And I'll always love you. Don't forget that."  
  
He placed a kiss on her forehead.  
  
"You get goin' now."  
  
Dawn stood and wiped the tears from her eyes. She looked down at the vampire who had loved her sister. Who had become her friend. She remembered how he had come to save her from Doc, remembered all the times they had spent together. More tears threatened to fall as she looked away from him and walked out of the crypt into the sunrise.  
  
Spike didn't turn to watch her leave. Instead, he sat in silence until her footfalls were out of his hearing range. The sun was rising, there was nowhere for him to go now. Temptation set in to open the door to the outside and walk to his fate, but he was stopped by his thoughts. Thoughts of Buffy walking in the sun, smiling. She had never looked happier. Thoughts of her smile as she sat on his knee. Thoughts of the way she looked at him as if he were more than the monster he was. Her lips on his, so soft, so soft.  
  
He slept. And as he did, he dreamt that he had saved her. That he had brought Dawn down from the tower and saved Buffy from her sacrifice. That she had given him thanks for fulfilling his promise. That he had not failed.  
  
He woke as her lips pressed against his. He sensed that darkness had not long fallen. Standing, he turned and looked around his home.  
  
//What you did for Dawn and me, that was real//  
  
It was time to leave. As he opened the door, he spoke four words.  
  
"I love you Buffy."  
  
Then he walked off into the night.  
  
  
  
TBC 


	3. Chapter 2 : Dawning

Chapter Two: Dawning  
  
Angel sat in his room of the Hyperion, reflecting on years past. Years he spent with Buffy. The good times they had together, like when he was human. How much had he given up for her then? His own happiness, that would have resulted in them both dying if he had not returned to his vocation as a vampire with a soul; fighting for all that was good. Yet she had died anyway, sacrificed herself to save the world, and her sister. That was how much love she had. How much love she gave.  
  
As the vampire sat, silent tears fell down his face for the woman he had loved. Loved. It was strange thinking of his feelings for her in the past tense. He did still love her, just not in the way he once had. He had a new life now. Cordelia had taken the place in his heart that Buffy once had, but he still loved Buffy, he just wasn't in love with her. And Cordelia could never know how he felt. After what she had just been through with Wolfram and Hart manipulating her visions and nearly killing her, the last thing she needed was more complications in her life.  
  
Then there was Fred. Five years in the hell that was Pylea. She hadn't come out of her room for days after they had arrived back through the portal. Over the past five years, she had learned to depend on herself and her seclusion so much, that she had made her own little world inside her head. When she spoke, which was a very rare occurrence, she hardly made sense. She just babbled about fairy stories and being rescued from her hell. Slowly though, she was coming out of her shell, the way she had handled herself in Caritas when Gunn's old gang had tried to kill Angel was brave. Stupid, but brave. Of course, after that, she vowed never to go out again. For some reason, Angel couldn't blame her for that.  
  
Gunn was still the same. Cautious, headstrong, a fighter. The fact that he had had to stake his sister had almost destroyed him, but he pulled through; not forgiving, but at least seeing that not all of the things that went bump in the night deserved to die. His hatred for vampires ran deep though, and Angel appreciated that; he'd need that hatred if Angelus ever came back. For whatever reason.  
  
Wesley, well, he was just Wes. He was Angels' best friend, his confidant, and the brains behind the brawn. His research skills were the reason that the team had survived for so long. Without him discovering how to kill various demons, they would stand no chance. Angel didn't know what they would do without him.  
  
Throughout Angel's deliberations, he had felt not only grief, but also great unease. He had not felt such a thing since he was Angelus' and his Childer had needed him. They called to him in the past. Called for their Sire. Whispers singing through his blood, a blood they all shared. A blood that bound them together in eternal damnation...  
  
Suddenly, a scream ripped through the silence of the hotel.  
  
Angel ran through the hallways and down the stairs to the lobby, just in time to catch Cordelia as she fell. The vision had hit her harder than usual. It had been so powerful that she had been thrown across the room. Her friends gathered around her as her breathing calmed and she recovered from the affects of the vision.  
  
"What did you see?"  
  
"Angel, he. he. he's dying."  
  
"Who's dying Cordelia?"  
  
"S.S.Spike."  
  
Angel's face turned paler than it was already. Confusion flickered across his features.  
  
"Angel? Angel." Cordelia demanded. "He's dying. How can he be dying? He's already dead."  
  
"Well yes Cordelia, thank you so much for reminding us of that oh-so obvious fact"  
  
"Wesley!" Angel hissed.  
  
"Sorry, it's just, well. I can't imagine why the Powers would send Cordelia a vision to save a monster like Spike. I mean, he tortured you, and well. he is rather. well, he's an evil."  
  
"Yeah, English, I think we all get you man. So, what's this 'Spike' in Cordy's vision for?"  
  
"Cordelia, can I get you something?" Angel asked, oblivious to Gunn's question.  
  
"Water, please."  
  
Angel hurried to the office and took a bottle of water from the fridge. What were the powers trying to tell him? Why would Spike be in a vision? Why would he need saving? He didn't have a soul. What could they possibly gain by keeping him alive?  
  
Angel returned to the group and helped Cordelia stand. Everyone had been so caught up with trying to work out why Spike would be in a vision that they had simply left the seer on the floor of the lobby. He led her over to the sofas, and asked her to tell him exactly what she had been shown.  
  
---  
  
Spike was travelling slowly. The first night, he had barely made it out of Sunnydale before sunrise. He found shelter in an abandoned building. He had $50 in the pocket of his duster. He hadn't eaten. He hadn't slept. Not for days. Dreams of that night haunted him. He saved her in his dreams though. Every time, he was there, protecting her. Proving his love.  
  
The days had gone by quickly. Buffy had been dead for over two months. Yet still, he grieved. Her ghost would not leave his thoughts. He moved from place to place, seeking solitude. He had formed his own world inside his mind. Part of that world was a place where Buffy was alive, and safe. The other was where he lived with his failure. Where her face haunted him; where memories consumed him.  
  
So many times, he had thought about death. About taking a walk in the sun. But something held him back. What it was he wasn't sure. Hope? He didn't believe he had any hope left. As he arrived at the coach station, just outside of the place he had spent the day sheltering in, he felt a sense of uncertainty as to what he was about to do. About the reaction he would receive when he arrived at his destination. Would he belong there? Did he belong anywhere?  
  
//He's a monster, he doesn't belong here//  
  
Xander's words echoed through his memory. He saw the faces, Willow, Giles. staring at him with disgust and hatred for his failure. He thought of Dawn, his beautiful, sweet, Dawn, her saddened expression as she realised he was leaving. He thought of Joyce, another Summers' that had treated him as a man. He hoped Buffy was with her. Hoped that they were at peace.  
  
He placed his money on the counter and bought a one way ticket. It was the only place he could go to. The only place. His mind was filled with worry and grief as he boarded the coach to Los Angeles.  
  
---  
  
Fred emerged from her room when Cordelia's scream pierced the air and rang in her ears. She was determined to go downstairs and find out what had happened. For days now, she had slowly moved closer to the door, willing herself to open it. Yesterday, she had, but that was all she had managed to do. The walls of her room were covered in writings. A language that would look like no more than doodles to most, yet made complete sense to her. As she had began to run out of wall space, her writing had become smaller, and she was now in the process of filling all of the blank spaces she could see. Blank spaces made her feel. awkward. Only small, complete spaces made her feel safe.  
  
She stepped out of the hallway to the top of the stairs, seeing Angel and everyone crowded around the sofa area, she made her descent to join them. As she reached the lobby, she spoke, her strong southern accent masking her words.  
  
"I. is she o..ok?"  
  
No one responded to her question, so she tried again, a little louder this time.  
  
"Is. is she ok?"  
  
"Oh, Fred! You came out of your room." Wesley stated. "Cordelia's fine, it's nothing to worry about, she just had a vision."  
  
"I did not 'just have a vision'!" Cordelia snapped. "I had a vision about us saving and evil, bloodsucking, disgusting, over a century old Billy Idol look alike who tried to kill Angel, and me for that mater, God knows how many times, including once here in LA when we first set up shop! And don't you tell me it's nothing to worry about. You may have read up on Spike, but he's worse than everything you've ever seen. Except Angelus', and that's still saying something."  
  
"Cordy, calm down." Angel pleaded. "There's got to be an explanation for all this. All you were shown was him in pain, dying. Doesn't mean we have to save him. They could just be letting us know."  
  
"Angel, please! Be realistic here! You hate him as much as I do, but the Powers never. Fred?"  
  
Fred startled as she heard her name.  
  
"Uh, yeah?"  
  
Cordelia raised her eyebrows as if intrigued by the Texan's appearance. "What was I saying? Oh yeah. the Powers never show me something just to let us know Angel! You know that better than I do. There's always a reason."  
  
"Did you have a timeframe?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"A timeframe, y'know, like when he needs saving. I mean, you usually get one, I was just wondrin' if you got one this time, I mean, that could maybe help to figure out when he needs saving and how much time you've got to figure out why and stuff. Well, unless you're not gonna help him, which would make sense if he's as bad as you think he is, bein' as he's a vampire an' all."  
  
Fred was cut off as Gunn interrupted her. "Whoa girl! Slow down there! You haven't said more than two words since you got here, and now you're just racing away with your thoughts there! Slow down!"  
  
"K, I'm sorry, I was just tryin' to help, I mean, s'none of my business really, I'll just let you all get on with figurin' it out."  
  
She turned to go upstairs, but Angel stopped her. "That's not what Gunn meant Fred." She looked at him sceptically. "He just meant that you need to slow down when you talk. breathe a little." Realisation dawned on her. She had been babbling again. That was why she hadn't spoken for so long, because everything she said just came out as gobbledegook. "Why don't you come and sit down for a while, stay down here with us?"  
  
"Ok Angel, if you're sure." She turned to Gunn. "Sorry Charles. guess I do get a bit carried away when I'm thinkin', I mean, I've thought my own thoughts for so long now, I." She blushed. "I'm doin' it again aren't I?" Gunn just smiled at her and nodded. "I think I'm gonna sit down now."  
  
"So, Cordelia. Were you given a timeframe? Or a location maybe?"  
  
"No Wes, all I saw was him in pain. Like he was dying."  
  
"Was he being attacked?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Mmmm, curious. Well."  
  
"What is it English?"  
  
"I was just contemplating that maybe this isn't a physical threat. You said yourself, you saw no demons; there was no timeframe, no location. Perhaps it's merely a vision of what may happen to Spike in the future."  
  
"Maybe Wes; but then why would I get it now? I mean, without knowing when, it kinda makes it hard for us to save him wouldn't you say?"  
  
"You're right Cordy." Angel stated simply. "It makes no sense that they would show you now, if it's going to happen in the future. It must be something. There must be something we're missing."  
  
"What if. nah, doesn't matter. Never mind, just forget that I."  
  
"What if what Fred?" Wesley asked.  
  
"Well you said that maybe it wasn't a physical threat, which makes sense in a weird sort of way I s'pose, but then you said that it might be in the future, but Cordelia's had the vision now, and well, most of the time when she has visions it's like stuff that's happening at the moment, and I mean, it affected her enough to make her scream and to get me out of my room, so maybe it is happening now. I mean, if it doesn't have to be physical pain, maybe he's just dying on the inside. I mean, well, if he has a reason to. Would he have a reason to? I mean, him bein' and evil, bloodsucking, over a century old Billy Idol look alike? What if he is in pain, I mean, like emotional pain, and what if he does need your help, I mean, I needed your help, mind you I was stuck in a hell dimension, which I suppose sorta counts as physical pain too, considerin' the way I was treated n' all but I mean. Do any of you understand a single word I'm sayin'?" Fred asked to the faces staring at her.  
  
Gunn was the first to laugh. He was closely followed by a fit of giggles from Cordelia. Even Angel chuckled at her display. Fred's face was bright red, her cheeks all puffed up and her breathing was laboured. Her heartbeat was rapid. She sank into herself, curling herself into a ball on the sofa.  
  
"I'm sorry Fred," Cordelia said, still giggling. "It's just; you looked like you were going to explode!"  
  
"Well, she does actually have a valid point." Stated Wesley, seemingly unaffected by Fred's display of how to not breathe very much while explaining a theory. "It could be happening now. But what would have triggered it, and what does it have to do with us?"  
  
---  
  
Spike leaned against the window, curled himself into his seat, wrapping his duster around him as he did so. He closed his eyes for just a moment, and fell into sleep.  
  
Buffy was running in front of him, screaming that Dawn was in danger and that they needed to help her. Spike picked up the pace, but couldn't seem to catch up with the Slayer. As he reached the foot of the tower, he bumped into something. It stopped him from moving forward to climb the tower. He turned around to see if he could find another way up. Startled by what he saw.  
  
"Drusilla? What are you doing here?"  
  
"Oh Spike, my sweet little boy. Miss Edith says you have been naughty and need to be punished. You're going to dance with the King Of Cups and the Queen Of Hearts will guide you to your rest. The stars, they sing to me, like snakes in the grass. Hissing the directions out in a swirling language. My Spike. What have you done? You aren't the same anymore. No fight left in my Sweet Prince. I'm not your princess now. Neither is she."  
  
Drusilla pointed to the top of the tower. Spike looked up to see Buffy standing at the edge. When he looked back to see Drusilla, she was gone. He ran up the stairs of the tower keeping his eyes on Buffy. Begging that he would get to her in time. The more steps he climbed, the higher the tower grew. Suddenly he was on the floor, his ribs broken, hardly moving, he looked up as the sky turned bright white.  
  
As Buffy jumped, he woke with a start.  
  
"Next stop LA" came over the speakers.  
  
Spike wiped the tears from his face, and hid his sobs in his cupped hands. As the train pulled to a stop in the coach terminal, he stood and walked out of the doors. It had just turned midnight. He took his cigarettes out of his pocket, retrieved one and lit it, inhaling deeply as he took in his surroundings. Without a second thought, he strode off in the direction of the nearest club. 


	4. Chapter 3 : Arrival

Chapter Three: Arrival  
  
Spike wandered through the streets of LA as if he didn't know where he was headed. He knew though. He knew exactly where he was going which was why it was taking him so long. He'd stopped at four bars, and stayed for five to ten drinks at each. Five in the first, ten in the last. He didn't know how many in between. It was really difficult to get drunk when you were a vampire, the blood just didn't absorb as well when it wasn't human, and when you hadn't fed for a while, well, it was much more difficult. His destination was just a few blocks away when his feet slowed and he came to a stop at the entrance of an alley. He tilted his head to the right. Looking to the left of him he saw two shadows, struggling with each other. He headed towards them.  
  
The vampire who was attacking the girl was well built. Some could even say enormous in comparison to Spike, but it would be his downfall, eventually. 'The bigger they are the harder they fall' Spike thought as he neared the figure. It had crossed his mind to just walk by, let the vampire continue with his hunt, but the girl had caught his eye. She had shoulder length blond hair, and her eyes pierced his heart as they begged him to help.  
  
He struck the vampire without thinking, attacking the neck first, pulling the assailant from the girl. Landing a spinning kick to the vampire's lower leg, he turned to see the girl was okay. Just as he did, he heard a heavy thud behind him, and then his world turned to darkness.  
  
---  
  
"This is him? This is the 'monster' you were talking about? The evil, bloodsucking, well, he does look like Billy Idol, I guess.but. this is.."  
  
"Yes Fred!" Snapped Cordelia.  
  
"Well, he don't look so bad to me." She said as she moved towards him. "Looks kinda sad, like he's got part of him missing."  
  
"He's a vamp ain't he? His whole 'human' life's missin'"  
  
"That's not what I meant Charles! I mean he looks, so." The brunette reached out and gently threaded her fingers through his hair, jumping when the vampire caught her hand and she suddenly became surrounded with crossbows and stakes.  
  
"Get the fuck off me! Where the bleedin' hell am I? Who in the hell are you? And will you get them soddin' things away from me!" He said gesturing towards the weapons pointed at him. He followed the hand that was holding the stake nearest to him, and spoke; the surprise evident in his tone, "Peaches?"  
  
"Fred." Angel's voice was deep and intimidating. "I want you to move away from him now. Very slowly. Then go upstairs while we sort this out."  
  
"But Angel, he's not."  
  
"Now Fred."  
  
Angel's voice was shaking. Fred could tell he was concerned, but she didn't think he was concerned for her. Her eyes were drawn to Spike's, she looked at him in silence, questioning whether she should leave. He dropped his eyes, and she moved. It was as if they were connected somehow, she felt the need to protect him. Something was bound to happen the way that everyone had talked about this supposed 'monster', she needed to stay downstairs. She moved towards the kitchen area.  
  
"I thought I said I wanted you upstairs Fred."  
  
She turned back to Angel and just looked at him, then headed back towards the kitchenette.  
  
Waiting until Fred disappeared from view; Angel lowered the stake and nodded to the others to lower their weapons.  
  
"What's the matter Spike? Why did you come here? What's happened to you?" Angel's eyes were full of concern for his Childe. Spike looked weak, ill, as if he was.dying. Angel sat on the sofa next to the vampire, who was once a vicious, bloodthirsty killer. He placed a hand on Spike's arm and looked into his eyes. They were full of tears, threatening to fall. At that moment, he knew that Spike wouldn't talk to him. Wouldn't tell him why. Wouldn't tell him what. Spike would maintain his silence until it needed to be unleashed.  
  
"You can stay." Spike looked up at his Sire's face with confusion.  
  
"I can stay?"  
  
"As long as you don't feed, especially not on them." Angel pointed to the rest of the 'gang' who were all looking at him as if he'd gone insane. Except for Fred, who was smiling at him.  
  
"But Angel, man, dint he try to kill you? English? Didn't he try to kill him?"  
  
"Yes, indeed, but well. Hell no! Angel, are you insane?"  
  
"Wes, please. I need you to understand this. He's my Childe. Just by turning up in this town he's begged for my help. I can't turn him away. I won't."  
  
"Well, if he kills anyone, I'll stake him."  
  
"I'll beat you to that Gunn." Angel stated firmly, looking at Spike as he did.  
  
"Can't."  
  
"Can't what Spike? Stake you, oh I think I can."  
  
"Feed, can't feed." He said pointing to his head and tapping his skull. "Can't."  
  
Angel watched Spike as he started rocking back and forth. There was more to this than met the eye. Something really bad had happened to his Childe. He controlled his rage, and placed his hand on his Childe's arm, trying to soothe the tremors that were now wracking through the young vampire's body. It didn't work. He tried whispering. It was always calming to Dru when she's had nightmares, and to William when he'd suffered the brunt of her pain after her visions. But it didn't work on Spike.  
  
Suddenly Spike began speaking, but it sounded more like chanting. "I failed, I failed, the chip, the chip. I'm sorry, so sorry." Angel drew back in the shock of hearing an apology from his Childe, and as he did, Fred moved closer. She took Angel's seat and looked at him. The man who had saved her from hell once was scared. Scared for his Childe. She understood, because for some reason, she felt it too. Spike was in so much pain, it scared her. Gently she took Spike's hand in hers, then curled her arm around his body.  
  
Her body heat overwhelmed him, so much so that he pressed his body into her embrace, feeling her heart beating against his chest.  
  
"Sorry, so sorry.didn't mean to. didn't mean to. Failed, I failed. I failed, so sorry."  
  
"Sssh, it's okay," Fred spoke in a near whisper into his ear. "Everything's okay. Everything's gonna be okay now. You're safe now."  
  
Without looking up, She manoeuvred Spike off the sofa, and without looking at the stares she was receiving from her friends, led him towards and up the stairs slowly, being sure to reassure him every step of the way that he was okay.  
  
"You can take the room next to mine. It's nice in there, and there's a big black drape over the winda. Wouldn't wantcha burnin' up to nuthin' in the mornin' now would we? You'll be okay. You'll be okay."  
  
Angel watched the exchange between the recluse and the vampire closely, and with interest. Then he turned back to his friends, and prepared to answer the questions that were bound to be asked.  
  
---  
  
Fred led Spike into her room and sat him on the bed, where he instantly curled up into a foetal position. She placed her hand on his lower back and slowly rubbed small circles there, trying to gently lull him to sleep. When he had stopped crying, she moved from the bed and glanced down at him. His eyes were closed. He looked almost at peace.  
  
'Such a beautiful creature.' Fred thought to herself, as she placed a large blanket over her window. 'No need to disturb him. Let him rest. Looks like he needs it. She exited the room and went downstairs where she heard raised voices from the office. Followed by Angel storming out into the lobby.  
  
As he reached her he spoke. "How is he?"  
  
"Sleepin'. I mean, he looks like he's had it rough, didn't say a word to me about nothin' before you ask. I think he's just got real trouble. Swimming around in his head, not lettin' him rest up 'til it eats him alive. It's a shame really. he looks so sweet and."  
  
"He's a killer Fred."  
  
"So are you."  
  
"He doesn't have a soul."  
  
"Maybe not, but he has a heart. I can tell. And it's broken. Needs someone to help him fix it all up fer him. We can do that. Ain't that what we do? Help the helpless, or is that hopeless, I always get those confused."  
  
"Where is he?"  
  
"In my room." Angel raised his eyebrows questioningly and Fred continued. "I couldn't let him go, not 'til he was settled. I know what's it's like to be lost and need findin'. He shouldn't be alone. Alone is the horrible-ist thing in the world. Alone is, well. well, it's not nice."  
  
"You just be careful. Never forget what he is Fred."  
  
"I know, I know. He's an evil, bloodsucking vampire, Billy Idol look-a-like who's tried to kill most everyone here, cept me, oh, and maybe Charles, that right? Yeah. that's it."  
  
"Fred."  
  
"And what about them?" She asked, pointing to the office.  
  
"They're just worried."  
  
"Bout Spike?"  
  
"About you." "Oh! Well I'm fine. Honest Angel, I am. He didn't bite me did he?"  
  
"No, but he might."  
  
Fred glared at the master vampire.  
  
"Ok, so maybe what he said is true. How do we know for sure?"  
  
"I just know Angel. Just like you knew that you had to save me when you came to Pylea. Like you knew you couldn't chop my head off when they told you to. I just know."  
  
"Okay, but.."  
  
"Be careful. Got it. Just tell the others I know what I'm doin' ok?"  
  
"Ok."  
  
"I'm gonna check on him now."  
  
"You're not gonna sleep with him?"  
  
Fred blushed. "Course not silly! Just checkin' is all!"  
  
Angel watched as Fred flitted upstairs. 'Just checkin' he thought, 'yeah right.' he could just tell that this was going to take a long time to get used to, and that there were going to be plenty of problems along the way.  
  
---  
  
Fred sneaked into her bedroom as quietly as she could. She slipped out of her jeans and into her pyjama bottoms. Tip-toeing across the room, she peeked over at Spike to check he was still sleeping. Smiling lightly, she whispered...  
  
"You're gonna be ok." She said. "I'm here now. You're gonna be ok."  
  
Silently, she took one of the spare blankets from the chair next to the bed, and placed it over the sleeping vampire. Returning to the chair, she sank into herself, wrapping her arms around her slender body, and tumbled into sleep. 


	5. Chapter 4 : Distress

Chapter 4 - Distress  
  
The sun rose over the streets of LA, chasing away the darkness and all of the creatures that belonged in it. The world began to wake as the new day dawned, and soon, the hustle of everyday life was upon the city, cars filled the highways, pedestrians bustled along the streets, on their way to their daily lives. In the Hyperion hotel, silence reigned through all of the hallways, as the residents slept soundly.  
  
Fred was woken by the chirping of birds as they flitted past the window of her room, feeling like she had spent the night back in the cave she had made into her home during her "stay" in Pylea. She hated that place more than she had hated anything in her life. She despised it. It had stolen part of herself from her while she was there. It was never a home. It was a prison. It tore her apart piece by piece, until only her rambling insecurities about herself were left. It made her hate herself. She looked over at the form in her bed, so peaceful and still in sleep, and shook her head, wondering what could have hurt this beautiful man before her so deeply. Hoping beyond hope that he could learn to trust her enough to tell him what it was that was slowly killing him. She let her gaze linger on his body longer than she should have done, noticing his extraordinary paleness, even for a vampire. She also saw how thin he was, the blanket pushed away from his shoulders, exposing his arms and back, as he lay on his stomach. Sighing, she raised her hand to her neck, and gently massaged the tight muscles there that had come from sleeping sitting up all night, until she felt them release, then slowly, so as not to wake the sleeping vampire, she moved from the chair, and left the room, heading for the lobby.  
  
---  
  
Spike woke the instant he heard the door to the room close gently. As he opened his eyes, his mind took a while to process his surroundings, before remembering where he was. He had come back to his Sire, and had been accepted, all because of the dainty young girl whose bed he now lay in had shown no fear of him. He was surrounded by her fresh scent; the light fragrance of bergamot embedded in her bedclothes had weaved its way onto his skin. Yet he was still plagued with memories of vanilla scented soap and shampoo, with an underlying hint of purity and heroism, and something distinctly Buffy.  
  
She had come to him in his dreams. Her ghost watching him from the shadows of the tower as he lay helpless on the rubble covered floor, seeing her body arch as she jumped into the portal and saved the world. He heard her voice in his head, tormenting him.  
  
"You failed me Spike. You broke your promise."  
  
'Should've saved Dawn'  
  
'If I'd have just moved a little faster.. been a little quicker. a little smarter.'  
  
'If I could just have stopped Doc, she would be here, she would be safe.'  
  
The tears of days past fell once more from his eyes, dotting the scented sheets with patterns of his pain over losing Buffy. Over his failure. His demon raged as he was enveloped by the emotions of humanity once again, urging him to hunt; to kill; to take his vengeance and use it as a weapon to destroy the innocence of the world. Yet he stayed, and not because of the constraints of wire and metal, but because of his love for a woman who was his opposite, his mortal enemy. The woman that could have brought his very existence to an end... The woman who had made him feel like he was a man.  
  
Spike wrapped his arms around his stomach and hugged himself tightly, curling into a ball on the bed, and dropping his head down to rest on the soft pillow. Slowly he rocked back and forth; hoping that his Sire would wait to ask the questions that he knew would inevitably be voiced.  
  
---  
  
Angel was downstairs in his office as he noticed Fred descending the stairs. She looked tired and stressed. He wasn't surprised; dealing with Spike could grate on the strongest nerves. He stood from his chair and moved to meet her as she stepped down into the lobby.  
  
"Fred, you ok? You look. well, ah, did you sleep?"  
  
Fred raised her head in response, and shook her head.  
  
"Not really. Well, not much y'know. Never did like sleepin' sittin' up, but it beats the hell out of a cave floor any day. Never knowing whether you'd be safe enough to last the night without bein' eaten by a, well, they never had names. Anyway, beats that." She let out a small sigh and smiled slightly, seeing Angel's worried expression fade. Realisation dawned on her.  
  
"Don't worry Angel. The 'Big Bad vamp' din't do anything. Actually, that's kinda worrying' in itself."  
  
Angel looked at her, puzzled by her statement.  
  
"Oh!" She blushed. "I don't mean I want him to bite me, or kill me or anything, and I still don't think he would hurt me, or anyone else, so you don't have to worry about that, like I said already." She sighed loudly, slumping her shoulders. "I'm just worried about him, is all I meant. He's awful pale, and I mean, I know that's normal cause of the no sun thing, but he's *real* pale, and thin. scarily thin, and Angel?" She reached out and took his hand in hers. "Whatever it is that's killing' him? It's doin' a good job. He's dying, and he needs you. That's why he's here. That's why he came. He swallowed his pride and came to you. You may not think it and hell, he might not even think it, but I just know."  
  
"Just like you know that he's trustworthy?"  
  
"Yes, just like I know that. It's just a feeling I get. Like I did in Pylea. I knew you weren't the monster you seemed. I trusted you. And I was right about that wasn't I."  
  
Angel nodded. "Fred, I wish I could have as much hope as you. But I can't help him. He wouldn't listen to me anyway. He always was a stubborn son of a bitch."  
  
"And I wonder where he got that from." Fred snapped. "Look, Angel, all I'm sayin' is you could at least try. Go sit with him, even if you don't talk, and you don't want to be there. Go and see the damage for yourself." A tear fell onto her cheek. "It's really bad."  
  
Seeing her sincerity, Angel moved past her and began climbing the stairs. When he reached halfway, he turned and looked at Fred. She smiled up at him through teary eyes, her teeth worrying her lower lip. He returned her smile, and made his way to her room to see his Childe  
  
---  
  
Fred watched as Angel ascended the stairs and disappeared out of sight into the hallway. She pulled the sleeves of her jumper down to cover her hands, and wiped her eyes with her cloth covered wrists, feeling the soft wetness of her tears soak into the material and through to her skin. Taking a deep breath, she moved to sit behind the reception desk, waiting for her co workers to arrive and for the questions to begin.  
  
*What are you doing? What am I doin'? He's a killer! Well, apparently, I mean, he didn't seem too evil to me, but then, oh well, no! I just know he's decent, that he's not like they say. Maybe he was but, I just feel it. Why do I get myself into.? Oh Good Lord Winifred Burkle* she chastised.* Just chill out and quit getting freaked, you're gonna ruin your favourite pullover. So what? There's a vampire in your room who you willingly put there, you lived in a hell dimension for 5 years! You can cope with some hassle off people who you've only just got to be friendly with.* With that last inner comment Fred drew her head down to her chest and worried at her lip with her teeth again. Nervousness had been a big part of her life for so long, both during and after her trip to Pylea; it was hard to remember what it was like to not be nervous. Yet when she had seen Spike, and taken him under her wing, she had been the same assertive, intelligent woman who had lived in this world just over 5 years ago. She sighed, and smiled, then huffed. "Now where did I put that book?" she asked herself. "Aaah! There you are!" She jumped from her seat and took her place in the more comfy chair that was by Cordelia's work station. Snuggling into it, she flipped the book open and began to read.  
  
---  
  
Angel made no attempt at quietness as he entered Fred's room. His Childe had probably sensed his presence as soon as he had set foot outside the door, if not before, so he thought it better to not make a bad situation even worse. After all that Angelus, he, had put William through as a Childe, and after all that Spike had put him through, he wasn't looking forward to seeing if Fred's theory about this estranged family member was correct. Spike had always been his favourite, no, not Spike, William. William had been sweet and kind, and taken care of Drusilla; Spike had been invented to shield the humanity inside the younger vampire from those who saw no threat in him. He was of Aurelius line, but that was not enough to deter the stupid fledges who were not trained well enough to realise when they were making a mistake. What he saw before him when he entered the room scared him.  
  
His Childe was lying in a ball, curled around himself, rocking back and forth. Either Spike was ignoring his appearance in the bedroom, or he was too wrapped up in whatever thoughts were tormenting him to even notice, or be bothered that he had the company of his Sire. The bed sheets were tangled around him somewhat uncomfortably, and he was nearly naked. The vampire's bones were almost visible through his skin, and he was pale. Terribly pale. His once soft hair was untended to, his cheekbones, more piercing than usual as Angel moved to the side of the bed to take a closer look at his Childe. Spike opened his eyes for a moment, sensing someone watching him intently, and Angel saw the pain in them for a brief second, before Spike shook his head and pulled himself from the close range of Angel. Gone were the oceanic blue pools that sparkled with intensity and passion all that remained was emptiness. Angel stood and retreated to the door, words were not needed between the vampires; there was nothing to say. He cast a glance back at the withered form on the bed. Sighing deeply, already lost in his thoughts and worries, Angel left the room, and closed the door. Resting his back against the wall of the hallway, Angel put his head in his hands, and sank to the floor. Fred had been right. Spike was dying. 


	6. Chapter 5 : Trusting

Chapter Five - Trusting  
  
Wesley Wyndham Pryce entered the Hyperion Hotel later than he had intentionally planned. The previous evening's events has caused him much worry over the future of both himself and his co workers who he now considered his friends, and more importantly, his family.  
  
After he had returned home last night, he had returned to the 'watcher research mode' he had left behind after his discharge from the council, and discovered that there was much more to 'William the Bloody' than he had originally thought. Spike was not only a dangerous vampire, but unpredictable. The blonde's actions in the past had proved that - his conquest over two Slayers, his quest for the Gem of Amara, and more much disturbing accounts of his violent nature - all had shown his strength and power as a Master Vampire, and almost equalled the terror of Angelus' past.  
  
However, Wesley was more concerned over the affection that Fred had shown for the vampire. When she had taken Spikes arm and led him upstairs with such gentle persuasion, Wesley couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy, but his primary concern was for the safety of the petite Texan. He was determined to ensure that she had little to no more contact with the monster that was currently in the room next to hers. Such a task was certain to prove difficult. His thoughts were disrupted as he heard Fred's voice.  
  
"I really need to stop thinking so much!"  
  
"Well, coming out of your room is certainly the first step on the road to recovery." Wes replied, as Fred's eyes shot up in surprise of company. "I'm sure that you will address the "thinking too much" issue in due time." He smirked.  
  
The frown the Texan wore slowly faded and was replaced with a shy smile, as she dismissed his sarcastic tone. "Mornin' Wesley." She sighed. "Did you have a nice evening?"  
  
Wes returned her smile and walked round the desk until he stood by her side. "It was, different, but on the whole not overly amazing. Disconcerting, tiring and worrying would probably be more accurate descriptions."  
  
"Oh!"  
  
"Oh.? Is that all you have to say? I would have thought that the fact you openly took responsibility for a ruthless, cold-blooded killer last night, would have constituted more than a simple oh."  
  
"That's harsh Wes."  
  
"Maybe so, but necessary, don't you think, Angel?" He continued as the souled vampire walked slowly down the stairs.  
  
"Look Wes, I know you have all this supposed knowledge from your watcher days about what my Childer and I are, but don't you think that Fred is capable of making her own judgement and decisions?"  
  
Wesley looked at Fred, and then turned and walked to the sofas in the lobby, intent n meeting Angel as he reached the foot of the staircase.  
  
"I do believe that Winifred is extraordinary, and more than capable of decision making, especially having survived Pylea for so long. But perhaps her isolation has caused that judgement to falter. She knows little of the world in which we live now. Maybe a spell. something Spike arranged before hand, to create the vision, to create Fred's compassion. I *cannot* believe that she would willingly take Spike in her arms, knowing what."  
  
"How *dare* you!" Fred shouted.  
  
Wes was so engulfed in his ranting, he hadn't realised that Fred had moved from her seat and stalked across the room to him. He turned to face her only to find that she was right behind him. His gaze dropped to the floor.  
  
"How dare you tale about me as if I'm not here!" She continued. "I've had enough of being seen as the innocent, frail girl who needs protecting! I've had enough of being treated like I don't exist!" The tone of her voice raised as her emotions took over, and tears began falling from her face. "I survived *five* years of being treated worthless in that Hellhole; you all got me out, and now you're saying it's affected my judgement?"  
  
Wesley raised his hand and opened his mouth to speak, but Fred stopped him.  
  
"I'll tell you something Mister." She continued, "Maybe my judgement was affected by thinking I could. Maybe I am insane. But I didn't live through five years of pain, to not be able to recognise it when it walks through the door." She waved her arms in the air, and pointed to the first floor. "That evil, soulless vampire up there is in pain, and he's dying because of it. The Powers That Be sent Cordelia a vision to show her he was. To show *us* he needed help. Now you let your narrow mindedness and your own warped judgement stop you from doing your job if ya want. All I know is he needs help."  
  
She looked at Wesley with a tear stained face, awash with confusion, and determination, and then turned and walked to Angel, who was stood by the patio doors.  
  
"I know you don't trust him." She said, addressing them both, her tone calming. "I know I'm not part of your 'superhero save the world" gang." She wiped her eyes with her jumper. "But I trust him, I don't know why, but I do. and I'm gonna help him. Because maybe, just maybe, that trust will save him. Make him feel like he's worth something. Make him want to keep goin' and not give up."  
  
She looked at Angel, and then back to Wesley. "It was a 'monster' who saved me 'member?" Her tone softened as she returned her look to Angel and saw the pain etched on his features. "I don't know what history there is between you and Spike, and honestly, I don't wanna know. You didn't know anything 'bout me either - still don't - not really. But you helped me." Her eyes pleaded with Angel to understand what she was saying. "If you look into yourself, really look. You'll see what he needs."  
  
She looked back at Wesley.  
  
"Everyone deserves a second chance." She said in a near whisper, before running past Angel up the stairs and heading to her room.  
  
The door to the Hyperion flung open, revealing Gunn and Cordelia, looking completely shocked.  
  
"Looks like little miss polite and invisible came out of her shell huh?" Gunn stated with a smirk.  
  
"Well?" Asked Cordelia. "Are you two going to explain, or do we have to guess what that was all about?"  
  
---  
  
Angel sighed as he stalked across the lobby and into his office. His three co workers followed suit, and were soon standing in front of him, their faces displaying their emotional discontent.  
  
"Look Wes," he said, his tone stern, "you were out of order. Fred was right. Spike hasn't cast a spell, the vision Cordy was sent from the powers wasn't false, and you had no right to judge Fred like that. She has been through a lot. She cared for me when we were in Pylea, and I saw my true form in their world. She wasn't under a spell then, but, we can't rule out the fact that she might be now, as much as I want to." He looked at Cordy. "Did the Powers show you anything else? Anything that could help us figure this out? Something's off...I saw Spike earlier. He's dying, just wasting away to dust. There must be something more."  
  
"I told you already Angel, they just showed me the blond wonder, and I just felt him dying. He's in pain. Hell! What am I some Goddamn psychic? Don't answer that. So., Fred's on the help Spike mission huh? Take it you're not too happy about that Wes. And oh crap!" She stated, picking her foot off the floor. "I *hate* people who drop gum. These shoes cost me over $50!" She hobbled out of the room with one shoe on, cursing.  
  
"So, English. What's up man? I mean, I thought you got on with Fred. She just knocked you down to the ground. Man if looks could kill you'd be dead twice over."  
  
"It's about Spike, Gunn." Angel answered, taking in Wesley's defensive posture. "Wes just thinks there's more to this than meets the eye, and not in a good way, he just doesn't want Fred hurt. Isn't that right, Wes?"  
  
The last words were a statement, spoken with brute force. Wes nodded.  
  
"I just think we need to use caution. Obviously Fred has become, attached, to Spike somehow. I just don't think it's a natural. attachment, I mean, she doesn't know him from Adam, and all of a sudden it's like. I just think we need to be careful. And we need to find out why he's here. I don't think he's in half as much danger as you do Angel, but I suppose I could give him the benefit of the doubt until we find out what exactly it is he's doing here."  
  
"That's all I ask Wes. Gunn, I need you to find out if there're any new players in town, old demons, magicians, sorcerers, anything that may be putting the nasty on us."  
  
Gunn nodded, "I'm on it." He said as he left the office.  
  
"Wes, you research any spells that may have bound Fred to Spike somehow, I doubt there are any, but anything's possible, I want the magic option ruled out." Wes looked up at Angel. "I'll keep an eye on them Wes, I just don't think it's magic that's involved here, at least, I'm hoping. Until we find out for sure what's going on, nothing is to happen to Spike. If the Powers sent him for a reason, we'll need him alive." 


	7. Chapter 6 : Therapy

Chapter 6 - Therapy  
  
Spike had risen from the bed when the voices downstairs had become clearer. Restful sleep wouldn't come to him, hadn't come to him since his goddess had fallen. The shouting from downstairs had pulled him from his torment, he had heard the Texan's - //Fred's// voice and her argument with the watcher and was compelled to wonder himself why she had been so nice to him. He was shocked and warmed when he heard her reasons. She trusted him. The little waif of a girl, who had taken him into the shelter of her arms, when all others were ready to hate him, trusted him. She didn't know why, and neither did he, but it was nice. Nice to feel something. anything, but all encompassing guilt...  
  
As he looked around the room, he saw the writing on the walls. Memories of the hell that Fred had lived through scattered in poetry, in numbers, equations, and pictures. She was haunted, like him, by the past. Her emotion seeped through the pen on the walls and drowned the room in sadness.  
  
~oOo~  
  
Fred stood silently at the top of the stairs, berating herself for losing her temper with Wesley. She had no idea she could be that forceful, but hearing him say that she was weak hit home, and reminded her of the past she was trying so hard to overcome. She was pretty certain that issues of the past were the reason she felt she had something in common with the blond vampire that had caused her to take her defensive stance against Wesley. Spike was complicated, and she was still uncertain of him to an extent, but something inside her pulled her towards the vampire. He was like gravity, and she couldn't resist him. He was also in trouble, and no one else, it seemed, was willing to help him with whatever it was that was causing him distress. So much distress that it was slowly killing him... Fred shuddered at the thought of wasting away to nothing but dust. Was it possible to die from sheer agony of an event so strong and powerful that nothing could right it? It was pretty obvious from Spikes mantras about failure when he had arrived at the hotel, or rather when he had woken from Angel's bash over the head, that it was an event that had caused Spike to withdraw into himself; that had made him come home to Angel.  
  
Home. How much meaning in such a small word, Fred thought to herself, as she wiped the tears from her cheek with the back of her hand. When she had been trapped in Pylea, she had resigned herself to the fact that she would never see 'home' again, that she would be a 'woman-cow' with a price on her head for the rest of her natural life. Her cave had been her dwelling, a place where she desperately tried to remember who she had been; a place where she had tried to live with what she had become. And Angel had saved her from that. Rescued her, and brought her back to life, and given her reason to have a home again - in the Hyperion. her parents knew she was there, and were happy she had found her place in the world, as weird a place as it was, and she was happy too, and thankful. Thankful for Angel taking her home with him, thankful to Wesley for praising her talent, as useless as her neuroticism over technology and invention may seem on occasion, she still gained appreciation in some small part from the others around her. They were slowly helping her come to terms with what had happened in Pylea. Helping her return to 'normal.' Perhaps Spike thought that by coming home, he could come to terms with whatever had happened. That he could become normal again, instead of the shell of a vampire he was turning into.  
  
So Fred once more made a decision about her life, and resigned herself to helping Spike, no matter what problems she would inevitably face by doing so. Angel had been her saviour. She had thought there was a reason that he was sent to rescue her by the Powers, that perhaps she had an important part to play in the world, and now she believed she did. She would be Spike's saviour, as Angel had been hers. Helping him was the reason she had been saved from hell. And maybe they could work with each other to overcome the past that haunted both of them.  
  
She opened the door to her room silently, and entered, a little shocked by what she saw. Spike was tracing his fingers across the walls where she had written her inner most thoughts and fears. Across the words that she had deemed "therapy". He had a look on his face, an almost understanding sadness, etched across his features as he read, she snuck up beside him, knowing he knew she was there, and listened as he read the words aloud.  
  
~oOo~  
  
'The shadows chase me through the darkness  
  
As they escape from the mist.  
  
Like ghosts; beyond time  
  
They chase,  
  
To devour my soul into their eternity.  
  
Of hell.  
  
They are Evil:  
  
Choice is non-existent.  
  
Only shadows. Chasing humanity.'  
  
He sighed.  
  
"Y'know pet, that's quite a talent you have there." Spike spoke to the room. "Sneak all you want round me sweets, won't make any difference. I'll still hear. I'll still know." He looked at her as menacingly as he could manage, before he recognised the look on her face. Hurt. He had hurt her delicacy and gentleness with only a few tainted words. How fragile she was. His demeanour shifted almost immediately. "Sorry Fred. I shouldn't have." He trailed off.  
  
"S'ok. You're the big bad vamp. You're allowed to be mean. Hell why not? Everyone else thinks I'm stupid. Why not go prove them right?"  
  
"I... I didn't mean. Oh heck, look, I'm sorry. I heard what you said. What you did, means a lot." Spike sighed and shifted back to the bed, where he hung his head and raised his hands to clutch at it. "I just want it to go away. The pain. The loss. You couldn't understand. Wouldn't know where to start telling you."  
  
"I got time. All the time in the world as a matter o' fact. You'd think five years in a hell dimension would make a gal less trustin'. Pfft!" Fred walked to the wall that Spike had been reading from and traced her hand delicately across the pen that marred it. "This is my torment. Dunno if you get what I'm sayin' but this it what it is. It's not talent. It's just me." Spike scanned the rooms' walls seeing only one was free of the Texan's writing. Fred sighed. "I don't expect you to get it. Just sayin' is all. What this is, this is me. You don't get much more to me than, well, what you get. All I'm tryin' to say is I'm here. If you want to talk, about anythin'... Well, I'll leave you be. It's not even noon yet. You should be sleepin'. I'll go sort your room out."  
  
Spike looked at the girl before him, and realised that she was much more than he originally thought. Just before she left the room, he spoke to her.  
  
"Fred?" She looked back at him, the brown curls of her long hair floating through the air as she turned her head.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I do get it. Understand it, I mean. I shouldn't have been nosy, I shouldn't have read."  
  
"Spike." he looked up at her, and she smiled. "It's ok. Honest. You can read it all if you want. I just wanted you to know it's not jus' writin', if that makes sense." She scoffed at her own comment, and grinned again. "'Sides," she continued, "I like that you read it. You have a nice voice."  
  
And as quickly as her cheeks flushed pink, she left the room. 


End file.
